If I had to list the most common piece of advice my counselor gives me is to "be kind to yourself", which is something I really suck at. Facebook is particularly evil when it comes being mean to myself. Weddings, babies and lifestyle posts don't affect me because those will come in good time. I'm not even sure I want the first two and most of the lifestyles I've seen of some friends or friends of friends are not ones that I particularly envy. I'm recluse for the most part by choice. I like being around people, just not interacting with them. It's why I like malls; I'm surrounded by people who I don't have to interact with.
Anyway, the regular sort of posts you would think would ruffle feathers and colour some eyes green aren't the ones that hurt. It's the lost opportunity ones that do and I doubt many would agree with what my definition of a lost opportunity is. Yesterday two of my old friends on FB were at a book launch of an old professor we shared. I wonder if I was not such a snot-nosed brat I would have graduated by now and joined them. Perhaps if I had pushed harder I might have learnt something from him. It hurts worse because he knows some of the people in the library and storytelling business, which is what I'm studying now. It's a stupid thing to beat myself older since I'm not the same as I was 10 years ago.
If I was to be kind to myself, I would say that given how much I had to fall, what with discovering I'm bipolar and all, eventually I'll land on my feet. I mean, by my calculations, my student loan is the equivalent of a car loan and really I need something to build my credit rating off of. I just got offered more hours at the library here. It's technically a temporary assignment where I get regular hours and my supervisor is willing to work around my hours with a couple of exceptions. It's a relief on my mind because every bill worries me. I have palpitations going for groceries because of cost, because I know money is very finite.
Overall, I do have enough to make it till the end of this school year. I just need to keep that in mind. I will make it through this.
Current Music:Neighbour practicing on his guitar in the flat above
Since I've banned myself from the journal I write on my computer, LJ is my last resort because I know it's like pulling teeth sometimes to get me to post here about personal things but I started this LJ for therapy so I should continue what I started since it helped before. I seem to feel better this weekend. I did my weekly quiz ahead of time. I'm more chipper than usual.
I also did a splurge buy for a new iPad mini case. The case that I had been eying is no longer available but there might be some new ones by the same company with the announcement of the new iPad mini 3. The case I got now was one of those Moleskine ones with a notebook, which I found on sale for less than half price. The only thing I don't like about it is that it forces me to use my iPad in the portrait orientation rather than landscape like I usually do. On the bright side of that, it did force me to go through more of my school material because that orientation is best for reading rather than everything else I like to do on my iPad.
I've started writing again. It's another GK fic, an updated version really of Jiarenqu. I shouldn't be surprised as GK and ATLA were what really integrated me into the modern age of fandom. Before that, while I dabbled in DBZ and read other anime fanfic, I wasn't really as integrated into fandom as I am now. Jiarenqu originally a Haagasu/Takiko fic but I later changed it into an AU since it seemed more interesting of putting Rimudo as the bad guy. In my notes, this fic is really Jiarenqu 3.0; that's how many times I've redone the plot.
I don't know when I'll post the story but at the moment, I'm just happy that I'm writing it.
Fandom has moved onto Tumblr. I look at this journal now and wonder what to do with it since there's no fandom to connect to anymore by it. I've banned myself from writing in my paper journals. Why? Because it's distracting. The amount of time it would take me to write out a page by hand now compared to my typing speed, it would just make more sense to type it if I just needed to get something off my chest.
I'm itching for another usename and I do mean usename. The term I borrowed from Mercedes Lackey and I find it describes the concept far better than username in this case. The thing is, I currently have seven running around. Another one is definitely not the answer; I need to stop running. I remember a conversation years ago with M where he suggest I just stick to my original one. It's the name where barring a handful of accounts, it's probably me. At the same time, that name has too much history and that's why I run. It makes me think of all those posts that give you information on how to disappear. I used to think I would not be able to do that; I would not be surprised if I'm able to do so now.
A quick summary is in order since the last time I posted was six months ago. I did get the summer job and finished it till the end of my contract. I can easily say the only thing I didn't like was my supervisor. She had some good ideas but she had poor leadership and implementation skills. Aside from that, I was fine at the job. I would not work at that library again simply because the office politics were shall we say more vicious than anywhere else I've worked.
When I got the job, I was overjoyed. I began planning my future again though it was in my usual pipe dream manner. I started thinking of how the job would help my work portfolio to getting hired at my dream job. I thought of all the good I could do for libraries. I had a bunch of good things at the start of the summer. A good summer job, a subletter and an opportunity to visit J and another old friend in Vancouver.
You'd think I would be ecstatic but instead I was overwhelmed. I'm used to lots of bad things in a chaotic background but good things at a fast rate make me cagey. The first few weeks at the job explained why. It's why so many lottery winners tend to lose it towards the end. Getting a new job or being put in any alien situation is being the new girl. You don't know any of the history and it makes you wonder how to proceed without anyone giving you the guidebook or the rules. Thankfully I did learn from that this year.
Baby steps. Don't do anything too drastic right away. Every baby step, forward or backward, will help in familiarizing yourself on unknown territory. Previously, I would go on a happy high before my body tires out and collapses into scientist mode: observe, draw conclusions, test, collect data, draw more conclusions. It's the only way I could make sense of the world and not dive into total panic mode.
I seriously didn't know how to react. When good things happen, my mind frantically wants to find something bad about the situation because it's more comforting; it's familiar. If it wasn't for me catching up on assignments right now, I'd be writing. I think I know why fanfiction will always appeal to me more than that of an original story: I already found a world I liked, thus why I want to spend more time there. The thing is, I write under pressure. This isn't to say I write good under pressure but that I write
Yesterday I felt lost and like I was getting worse even though I'm following the prescribed steps. The medication is working but like any medication, it doesn't completely eliminate the pain. It dulls it well enough that when it starts to fade, you have no choice but to know it's losing its effect.
I got an interview. There's a position at the library system near my hometown but is in the same city as where I live with M during the summer. You'd think I'd be happy. I was...when I first got the email asking for an interview. Then I started fretting. I criticized my slightest movement to be an error, such as giving my Skype name rather than making a new professional one. It just seems rather wasteful to do so since in a year, all the jobs will have an in-person interview since I won't be across the country for school.
If I was to go the route of staying positive, then hey, this is the farthest I've gotten so far. My mind isn't immune to good stuff; good stuff becoming reality is where the problem lies. At the height of my euphoria after reading the email for the interview, I was thinking of how many doors this would open up if I got the job. When I was in the library tech program, I had thought I would get a cataloguing position. Go in, catalogue, go home, done; no people. The thing is, somewhere between that and now I realized I wanted a job that worked with the public. I'm bad at selling but I'm good at advocacy. I've worked in an archive and while I was okay with it, I couldn't imagine working there for the rest of my life. I worked in a college library and decided academic ones were definitely not for me. The public library was the closest to a goal job, somewhere I would be happy and satisfied but also worked with my belief system.
However, having said that, when applying to public library jobs, I am well aware of what my strengths and weaknesses are. Oddly I'm more patient with the elderly and teenagers than many of my coworkers given that they're closer in age to seniors and/or raising teenagers. I am also terrified of children but it's more of a "I know nothing about them" than phobia. Years of con management did teach me to take initiative and that to tackle a problem, figure out the weak and strong parts. Obviously if I was going to work for any public library, I would need to address this fear. Hence applying for a job I knew would require me to work with children.
I know, I know. Trial by fires are generally not good ideas but I would like to argue that kid gloves and increasing difficulty doesn't always work with me. There's been more than a handful of times I benefited from being thrown in the fire. The Con was one of them because a) I was petrified of public speaking in a body fluid will escape my control sort of way, b) no leadership skills as I never volunteered nor was picked to lead anything. The fact I had pulled the year behind by shoe strings and duct tape in the wake of the previous director would not have been adequate training, what with being three days of actual leadership and c) passable social skills. Working in a coffee shop encouraged me to talk more but The Con made me really step up.
I was not going to get more experience in programming or even children's program since I mostly work on-call and won't be staying in Newfoundland past graduation. Therefore I needed to address this problem in Alberta if possible. If I was to be honest, I want to get the other job I applied for as a library assistant, doing all the things I'm used to, first but what would be better for me is to get this job since it's a student position, which means they're not expecting the same experience as someone who has been in the field for several years. If I got the student programming position, I would at least learn experience, have a reference and have done some networking. That's what I'm trying to explain to panicking mind.
The first friend I could remember being on LJ was someone I knew growing up in junior high and high school. My sense of time has been wonky in the last few years so I struggle to make myself remember that it was at least ten years ago when I still keep referring to it as as a few (like less than four or five). Fandoms have moved onto Tumblr and I can't blame them because fandoms find what works the better and given Tumblr's sharing capabilities compared to LJs, I don't blame them. However, I don't regret having a permanent account on here because it allows me my space of the internet to write and regardless of what I use for tagging; it's for my benefit rather than the public's.
It's been over a month since I've last posted. The psychiatrist report did confirm a mood disorder, though to be fair, depression is a mood disorder. To be more specific, I have manic depression, which is more commonly known as bipolar disorder type II. Instead of being angry, I felt rather relieved. I'm glad they diagnosed correctly this time because it means I can get better rather than reaching around frantically in the dark like I had been around ten years ago. The medication seems to be working at the moment, when I remember to take it. It's one that I'm supposed to take around the time I'm about to sleep since it will make me drowsy. I had trouble sleeping before the holidays so the doctor had prescribed to me sleeping pills. These meds I'm on now put those to shame. I would never attempt to drive after taking one of these because they are very strong.
The doctor said it was a good thing I kept a journal as it would be easier to check and how the meds are affecting me. I have come to one conclusion so far: the meds work so long as I get eight hours of sleep and I'm not working off a sleep debt. If I am, the meds only partially work. They hold back the anger, much like pulling back a punch. I will still feel frustrated or angry but I won't be consumed by it like I have been for the past year or so. This is why sleep is currently my highest priority...which I'm failing, but I'm recovering faster.
I finally saw the psychiatrist at my university. It wasn't pleasant in that I got the feeling he was not listening. I automatically didn't like him but at this point, I don't care about that. I care about him writing a thorough and accurate report of his diagnosis to my doctor so that she can determine the best medication to start with.
If there is one thing M and I share, it's that we both can get tunnel vision. We see only the target and bulldoze our way through. It's useful in some matters but in things like this, not so much. The psychiatrist did give me something to mentally chew on based on the conversation. It's possible that it's not so much I have depression as I have a mood disorder. It makes sense in that I only started seeking out medical help this school year because my mood swings were getting out of hand, like it was out of the range that I knew I could temper.
I've always had a temper and despite what M ever vocalizes to me, I truly believe it's worse than he gives it credit for. He also has a temper but an extremely long fuse. Once it goes off, run; run faster than the person behind you. The past year and a half (since spring 2012 I imagine) it takes the slightest thing to irritate me. It's gotten to the point I avoid social interaction because I don't know what will set the bomb inside me off.
Anyway, if it is a mood disorder more than depression, that would explain why the anti-depressants didn't work on me because according to the psychiatrist, I was on fairly strong dosages years ago. It's something I've suspected before as I had written a couple weeks ago in a discarded entry:
I'm beginning to understand this horror. It's no longer the "cool" trait to give any character. I am pretty sure I must be bipolar with how my moods have been swinging today and I mean swinging George of the Jungle and Tarzan proud swinging. I go from wanting to be happy to wanting to scream and watch it burn. It's taking quite the toll on my brain to keep up and I don't understand why. I did make it to my doctor's appointment today. I've been seeing the same doctor most of my life but since her workload is rather full these days, it's usually easier to book an appointment with her business partner. Frankly, I prefer her business partner. There's something about her that makes it easier for me to open up.
His report won't be done till next week so if I had to guess, I'd be starting the pills next weekend. With any luck, we got it right this time.
When I began this entry, it was on a bad day. I did little more than wake up and wash my face. The day after was supposed to be getting blood tests done, get my prescription for sleeping pills as much as I hate the idea and having at least one professor allow to meet drop a course. So much for that plan.
Since then, I did manage to see a doctor at the university clinic a couple times and therefore was able to get a note for my faculty in order to drop all my courses at once. My counselor feels confident that's all that needs to be done but I have this uneasiness in the pit of my stomach that won't go away. Never have I been so glad that a year is almost over. I had once upon a time thought 2013 would be a really happy year for me. I take it back wholeheartedly. It was like a mystical force of what could go would go wrong. I'm already a paranoid person by nature, whether it be from upraising or anxiety, so all it took was the littlest thing to turn my world on its head, forcing me to retreat into the safety of my apartment.
I'm home for the holidays but it's a battle. Inwardly I want to pick a fight with M over the littlest thing and I cannot for the life of me understand why. My counselor and I had went over lashing out in our last session, a result of me wanting control. It is why when I feel threatened, I feel the desire to wrestle control by channeling aggression, thus whenever M says something (regardless of intention), I am likely to lecture him (as the superior) rather than have a conversation (as equals). Spelled out like that, I don't like it. I do not like picking on someone who hasn't done anything wrong for no reason.
Both of my laptops, Urda and Jord, are on life support. M isn't so sure if Urda could be revived but he could do something about Jord. Regardless of how much I didn't like the situation, I did require a new laptop, which brings me to Freyja. She's a little 11" Asus Vivobook, with a similar size and weight to a Macbook Air, which I do admire, but after playing with her for a few hours, I'm glad I went with Asus. Even M had to admit she's gorgeous with her metal pink finish. The only problem is that she won't fit into Jord's old case, as Jord was a 10" Sony Vaio W. Not too fond of the idea of buying a new case that fits well but I'd rather have a case than a laptop that's been scratched up.
As silly as M finds it, I do measure a bit of my life by which computer I'm using and how it aligns with fandom. Freya was my first foray into fandom, specifically of the anime variety, Elda was graduating high school and the high point of my anime fandoms, Urda was library studies, Genbu Kaiden, Marvel, A:TLA and LJ; Jord was Young Justice, DC and Tumblr. Freyja is the final year of a university degree that I hope to put behind me upon completion. Fandom-wise, Freyja is a means to keep my different aliases separate. At this point, I operate five different Tumblrs for different fandoms. I do wonder why I do this other than the fact that I'm unhappy with my main identity. It is only recently I realized this correlated with how I felt about myself.
Still, I'll take any new beginnings I'm given, especially since I don't have much to work with currently.
In most cases it was unless I let my jerkbrain talk. I'm quitting for the semester, which does involve asking profs to sign the release form. I just can't take it. After talking enough with people, I realized that I'm not into school for the long run at this point. I'm more into getting out and that won't help. I need the break. It was rather disheartening when I realized how long it's been since I took a break from academics. I go three semesters meaning there's at best a three week holiday at the end of each semester...if I make it that far. No wonder I'm burnt out.
Today I finally showered (first sign I was out of it). Bathing always reminds me of my time in Japan where we had gone to a bath house. Seriously we need bath houses in North America. I mailed in my student loan and validation forms. I got groceries. I updated my payment options for my internet as well as double-checking I was using the cheapest package possible for what I want. They're so little things but I feel more alive? Worth it? Validated in my existence?
If I let my jerkbrain talk, it would tell me that's nothing. That's pathetic. So you did basic errands; so what? If I let myself be honest, that's more than what I've done in the last couple weeks. I didn't bother with NaNo this year because that involves more creativity than I want to put out. I have however made myself finish writing outlines for a fic I didn't believe I would ever tackle fully because I didn't flesh it out yet. There are 12 chapters so I hope to do 1-2 chapter outlines per a day. If I finish chapter six today, then I've completed what I had set out to do for a writing quota.
Then there's jerkbrain on not getting any profs to sign the release form today or making an appointment at the medical center to figure out what's with my weight loss and lack of sleep (my counselor thinks the stress of the last month has done that). However, I'm going to take a different approach and focus on what I did do today. It's the little battles.
I was very tempted to write in one of the paper journals today but I know how that would turn out. It would involve me making a long, verbose list, taking up pages but producing very little content. I can't remember when, but at one point I wrote out a point blank list of something I had been meandering about in an old journal. List took a couple minutes tops. My meandering thought process in print over the same subject? Over ten pages and a few hours. It's procrastinating but I can get why I do it. It's my small attempt to establish order. That's why I want to meander in that journal.
Since the end of last year, I've been finishing off my paper journals. Ever since I was 15, I've written in Antioch journals (the company is now Trends International). In the last few years, those journals have gotten fewer and far between to find in Canada. I think the company has completely discontinued them in light of our digital age and that's a bit of a shame. Thankfully I've hoarded more than enough in the last few years. Some journals I never finish because something drives me to stop writing in that one before finding a home in another journal. Last year, I finished which ones I could. As for the ones that start and stop with blank pages in-between where I thought I would go back to finish them, I made neat lines to indicate a timeskip. I do not envy whoever would want to read my journals because there's never a year written in them and I have finished up journals this year that I wrote in high school about a decade ago. I just finished one yesterday and was sorely tempted to take up a journal that I had stopped using when I was in my librarian technician degree.
I want control over my life. The list-making is born of two things. One is the original idea from a novel I had to study in 4th grade, The Pinballs where one of the main characters made lists all the time. The other is online identity. I won't be the first or last to have multiple identities, though Ebontien/thefireisblack certainly is the longest I've ever held one. It wasn't supposed to be. It was supposed to be my hidden identity and stay in the background. In terms of superhero comics, Ebontien would be the uniform that I slip on after hours to prowl. Now, it is my default name on anywhere. Google Ebontien and it's more than likely to be my account, whether it's used, old or active. It's easier in this age with Tumblr, AO3 and other sites for constructing identity because now, changing your name is easy within 24 hours or less. In my notebook, I have at least 18 identities I've constructed since joining fandom, which was 13 years ago. That's 1.4 personas a year.
When I make a new identity, I get excited in picking out who this person is that I want to slip into for a time before going back to my own life. The more I stay when it's new and shiny, the less likely I want to leave until that identity is tarnished in someway in my eyes. I move on to the next identity, freeing that name to whoever else wants it next. At first I thought this was pure self-exploration. It is hiding. If I was to be straightforward, I'm not happy with myself. In someways your online identity as you get older is like your daemon in His Dark Materials trilogy; as you get older, your daemon shifts to a permanent form. I find myself using "Ebontien" because as much as I'm not happy with myself for periods, that is part of who I am. I took that identity on nearly a decade ago and it's still here. That is who formed with me.
I won't lie in saying I haven't tried to get rid of it like I try to get rid of parts of myself. The question I should think of is why am I not happy with myself? What can be done about it? There is where my brain refuses to answer. This is why I'm writing in here. This same entry would have taken me all day in a paper journal because of those tangents I want to distract myself with.
I'm not going to lie. I have been in a bad place for a while. Depending on which day you ask me, I'll give you a different answer to when it started. I've tried writing in my paper journals but somehow that seems to intensify the problems because I avoid talking about the actual problem. Here, I won't. After all, that's what this journal was created for. I think to the days where I say the bad place started last year when I hacked off a chunk of my hair. I don't grow my hair long because of vanity; I grow it because I'm too lazy to cut it and because I have it wired in my head to cut my hair before I cut skin. It's a warning system, a visual indicator for days when I don't know what the fuck is going on in my head.
I think to the days when I say 2013 has been horrible, but I got through it. What I'm afraid of is that this is the one thing I cannot. I'm on my last year of university but I have yet to make it in the nine years since I've graduated from high school. Every time I make it to sight distance away from the finish line, I trip, I fall. Then I give up and don't bother. I throw in the towel and go to lick my wounds somewhere away from the world. It's a cycle that never factors in life, time, love, friendship, loyalty, goals or anyone's happiness.
I keep trying to tell myself that I'm stronger than that. My councillor tells me I need self-love but belief is not gotten that way. I feel I've been given too many chances and no results. I'm one of those people who believe in results and for that, I believe I would be terrible as a leader or a boss. I have produced no results for myself. I can't tell you the last time I've done something worth it, whether it's fanfic or papers. My tongue is full of half-promises to buy me time to run away.
I turn to this journal as a last ditch effort. Last ditch before needing something more professional like antidepressants or other forms of approved therapy. I've talked to my councillor for years and while there has been some progress, I feel there is some that can be made by forcing myself to talk it out straight rather than the meandering I've been doing for four or five journals.
It's the May long weekend up here in Canada. Most of the schools in my town have turned the three day weekend into a four day weekend. M left for Russia yesterday, leaving me alone for the six weeks. I've sent in resumes and job applications but I don't think I will be hearing back until after the weekend. In the suburb where M lives, many families have packed up their RVs and boats for the campsites and lakes. I know I haven't been updating this LJ for a bit but Tumblr has become addictive for fandom. As a platform, it's extremely suited for fandoms.
I'm still not over the YJ thing and I doubt I will be any day soon even though it's been over two months since the finale. I know I usually volunteer for the Con every summer but this year I feel a little burned out. For one thing, I don't think I would go for the Con if I wasn't volunteering or working for it in one manner or another. Some time in the last few years my interest in anime (as the con is an anime convention but draws other geeky crowds) has waned to give way to superheroes. I can't say I'm all that surprised since GK ended this year and Saiunkoku ended earlier than that. Until Yuu Watase writes the last saga in the FY universe, there's not much I'm interested in.
Meanwhile, my interest in the DC universe has been burning at full speed, especially with the Bat and Arrow families. I'm still thinking of the YJ cosplays I want to do but I'm more concentrated on the idea of fics to tide me over until Young Justice: Legacy is released (still no preorders available at EB Games) The Alice Chronicles might be my baby and my way of making a references to a third season but I want it to fit neatly into canon and that involves waiting until the game comes out. That means I need another YJ story for myself to get lost in. Introducing Young Injustice: Heroes Among Us.
I had heard about the Injustice game in early April, a week or so before it was released and I have to admit the premise was a good one as much as some people complained about the storyline. I admit the storyline isn't perfect but I have to give props to whoever wrote the Joker in the game because there's a writer who knows how to do black humour, the kind that you know is inappropriate to laugh at but you laugh at anyway because it's funny. During most of Joker's chapter, M and I burst out laughing at Joker's lines. Somewhere between Injustice Joker and Batman: Under the Red Hood's Joker is the best replacement for Mark Hamill's performance. From what I've seen of the cosplayer Harley's Joker, he also gives a good run of the character though really it's not hard to beat the imposter in YJ.
Between watching all the cutscenes and replaying Endgame did a story emerge. How Wally ceased in Endgame reminded me of how the intended heroes were pulled into the Injustice world. That combined with how Regime!Superman saw the people of the world as children who needed an iron fist to rule them, which brought back memories of how the team started in YJ (don't call them sidekicks remember?) gave birth to another idea of what had happened to Wally. Since I'm not as concerned of this story being canon correct, it's an excellent distraction.
I have a story layout made but since the fic will echo the format of the game, I need to plot out how each chapter will play out since each chapter will have a different character focus. I wanted to concentrate on the original six because yes, I really did miss them in season two. Also, I think the focus was disproportionate for the junior team with Blue Beetle compared to say Wonder Girl or Beast Boy.
I'm getting far too old for this. Each fandom that starts to slow down is an old wound that creaks in the cold. I don't think I've been this heavily involved in fandom since my Zutara and A:TLA days. I still ship Zutara but with less fervor than before. I fear Spitfire and YJ will follow that same path, which is a shame because I want to finish all the projects to it before then. As usual I have spread myself far too thin for that. To date, I have at least five fanfics that I want written, all of them containing Spitfire. I am working on my Tigress cosplay, revamping my Cheshire one and finding the remaining pieces for my season one Zatanna. That combined with a full-time school, full-time summer work and possibly full-time CON work makes it all seem more unlikely by the minute. But because it is fandom, I will attempt it anyway.
The things I do for fandom. I'm just happy I have poor drawing abilities or else I could only imagine what I would do if I was also into doing fanart. To be fair, I haven't been this into fandom since GK or A:TLA.
Title: On a Valentine's Day Word Count: 2885 Rated: T Summary: A certain redhead gets a visit from our favourite feline-themed assassin. Disclaimer: I do not own Young Justice. It belongs to Greg Weisman and Brandon Vietti. Author’s Note: Sarcatt, I remembered. Here’s something light before this Saturday when things go down and shit hits the fan.
That was the title of last week's episode of Arrow. Given that a large number of YJ and GL fans watch the show, you would think someone out there would freaking verify their sources. In the last couple hours since I've heard of this "cancellation" of both shows, all credible sources just don't have those showed under renewed and have stated there's no official confirmation of cancellation. When someone says they've "heard" officially, please give me the official statement. Where did you get it? Where is your verified source?
For example, World's Finest is a verified source given that they get fed the stuff from PR. Someone's hobby blog unless they have enough of a following, probably not. More than likely they just reblog what they find from a verified source. Newsarama is a credible source, straight from the mouth of one of GL's gods, Giancarlo Volpe, but everyone else? So yes, Newsarama is where I would believe the cancellation rumours.
I really can't tell where the source of my annoyance is with this mass panic. Little thing you pick up between being a library technician and a university student: you learn to verify your sources. You never know who is going to ask you where you got your info from and that determines whether you can back it up or not. Especially very anal profs.
Now that I have that out of my system, if I hear one person accusing me that I'm not a big enough fan, I will bitchslap them. The older you get as a fan of anything, the more you learn to deal with the heartbreak of stuff being discontinued or cancelled. I have seriously lost track of how many shows and other stuff I liked getting cancelled but I lived on. There's always hope too. Once upon a time I thought A:TLA was done for good and then TLOK came around. You never know.
I do kind of feel bad for Greg Weisman though; his shows never last past two seasons. (No that "third" season of Gargoyles does not count. Even he doesn't think so.)
I kind of wish there was a DC Nation LJ comm because this would be so much easier but oh well. Make due with, right? The only thing I can say right off the bat with this episode is be careful of what fanfics you think up of. I distinctly remember coming up with this idea back when I was in New Orleans last year. (Side note: oh how I miss you NOLA for your food, particularly those macaroons.) And then today happened. If all goes according to plan, we're in it for the homestretch till March. After that, we're either getting reruns or the two new shows of DC Nation. Beware of the Batman is said to premiere in the spring and I suspect it will be the same for Teen Titans GO! as well.
When I first encountered Tumblr, I had no idea what to make of it. In time, like thousands of others, I got hooked on it. It's still not my preferred method of blogging (that's what LJ is for) but it is useful for other types of blogging I do (beauty blogging comes to mind; Tumblr makes me get to the point). The one thing I've been on the fence about with Tumblr is their tagging system. Yes you can make them as varied and as long as you would like but then there's how people find you through tags. It lacks a degree of privacy, which might seem silly given you're putting anything online, but at the same time I don't want it easy to find. My piece of the internet you know? Thus why I've stayed with LJ.
After some big kablooey that I have no idea about, I'm going to hide from the OUAT fandom on Tumblr for a bit. Some of those people are batshit insane. Some are very nice but the ones who are batshit insane you need a vacation from. Fandom is my hobby, my religion (by anthropological and sociological terms); I enjoy it. After a day of work or school I do not want to be going onto the Captain Swan tag to see slinging insults of rapists. Seriously, when did that become a word to fling around like "fuck"? Has no one taught moderation in language? A person who says fuck rarely is more likely to be heard than one who uses it ever three seconds.
Like I had stated in what fandom has taught me, it has taught me tolerance. Just because I do not like a ship or character does not mean I should bash the people who do. This means not flinging around words like rapist. In our over-sensitive world, I get there will be things where eye-rolling would be more appropriate but rapist is not one of them. You know what goes with that word? Violation. Humiliation. Destruction. Coercion. Yeah, not the word.
I'd been feeling a bit mellow about the whole Rumbelle ship after this week's episode, but it did spark some renewed interest in the Captain Swan ship. I do not ship these couples the same way. Rumbelle is redemption and sex. Captain Swan is for snark and giggles. I find more enjoyment in reading the verbal foreplay than actual smut. My current desire is a fic where the topic of Emma courting Hook comes up to Charming and Snow; Meet the Parents in Fairy Tale land sort of thing. The scenarios that I conjure in my head are hilarious and that's what I'm looking for, not the above lack of maturity. If I was looking for that, I'd go to certain peoples' Facebook pages.
First lion dance practice of the year. This year I am part of the lion, specifically the back end, which in my opinion is easier because you mostly have to coordinate your steps to your front partner. What isn't easy is limbering up to the role considering my last bout of practice was eight months ago and even then I was practicing instruments, not the actual movements. I didn't properly stretch out this afternoon so I definitely pulled something in my left thigh but nothing good stretching won't fix plus a hot shower.
The routine is very simple given that Em and I have the lighter newer lion that has to be blessed during the actual Chinese New Year celebration. The dots are added in on the eyes, ears and tail, at which lion wakes up, rolls onto its feet, stretches itself out, spots the other lion, circles them and postures. It's getting in sync with your partner that is tricky. Em is half a foot shorter than me so I have lean down more and pull my steps so that I don't ram into her, but according to JJ, we were in sync for the most part and remembered to add personality to our lion (through flicking its eyes ears and tail). We just have to work on the regular walks and circles. We have a couple more practices until then but I remember most of the routine right now and Em seems to have gotten a handle on it so the last half of the routine will be fine once get walking in sync down.
All in all, not bad for Sunday exercise. JJ was going easy on us in the fact that we don't have to do high jumps or any kind of stacking. Yeah, next year maybe but definitely not this year unless my stamina improves. I have a bit of a problem breathing today under the lion costume but I chalk that up more towards dehydration than an ongoing respiration problem.
I do not know how I had missed this before but given how YJ tends to eclipse other fandoms, really I shouldn't be surprised. I had to hold down a squeal of the second coming when I saw the latest GL trailer. We're getting Orange Lanterns! Carol will be back! My ship feels for Aya and Razer! There better not be another hiatus till both of these are done in March, which gives me just enough time to rest before I have to get my fandom heart ready for TLOK. At least I'm assuming the show will be resuming around the same time as last year.
That fanfic idea in my head is still floating. It has a title now ("Remnants") but isn't something I'm all that interested in pursuing. Sometimes I like to ship just to ship. Last week's GL "Blue Hope" was a winner but any episode with Saint Walker is that. I guess they shot the Blue Lantern Razer idea out of the water and after a bit of thinking, I liked that better. I dislike thinking any emotion is evil for feeling it. It's when it controls you it has become bad news. Righteous anger might be the way to go for Razer in turning that emotion into something constructive, like saving the universe. Again.
Aya was not a character I thought I would enjoy very much until a few episodes in. It wasn't even the shipping that got my attention, but her sincerity to be a Green Lantern. It's not so much that she wants be a real girl and thus is unhappy at what she is but she wants to grow beyond her original parameters. The only time she seems to take offence is when someone insinuates she is not a real Green Lantern. "Blue Hope" emphasizes that. As for shipping, if Razer's reaction in that episode is anything to go by, what is previewed in the trailer might be another Moral Event Horizon.
I was wondering when they would bring Sinestro into the series but I'm not surprised he didn't go full evil in the episode. A part of it might be movie tie-ins while another might be on the enemy focus being on the Anti-Monitor and the Manhunters. Plus it works well for both those who know the comic book backstory and those who are newer to the corps.
I really could not find the female equivalent of the term bromance. This week's Once Upon a Time has convinced me that I just want a show based on Mulan, Belle and Prince Philip as a Power Trio. If necessary, I'll take Belle, Mulan and Aurora (she hasn't quite grown on me just yet). I've only found one fic that does cover this but not in the AU I'm imagining. Another for the writing board after my current bromance project. "The Outsider" pretty much displayed to me why I love Belle and in my opinion is not in an abusive relationship as of this moment.
One, Rumple gives her her space, her privacy. He has more than enough magic to force Belle against her will. He didn't. In fact, he let her go of her own free will back to the library, not knowing if she'd follow his words to the letter, which yeah she didn't but it's the thought that counts that he trusted her. I am not Dearie fan in thinking he is completely innocent or his circumstances defined him. His choices did. In a roundabout way, I use this as an exercise for forgiveness because as M will tell you, I'm one of the most relentless and vengeful people he knows. I need to work on that; this show along with others are good mental exercises for that.
Two, it's not so much she believes she can change him but that she believes he is capable of change and deserving of it. We've seen in earlier episodes that he can be good. There was an image a while ago on Tumblr where we saw Hitler flirting with his lover. The creepiest thing of that was we saw him as a human being, an ordinary person who has caused the world grief. Those who are defined as evil don't set out to be evil. Look at Regina, who I fear we might have pushed right into Cora's arms. We are all gray area beings than black and white. As I will quote again from K. L. Morgan, who has written one of the best Jareth/Sarah fanfics of all time, "but believing someone is capable of change — and believing they are worthy of it, that they are worthy of better standards — is an undeniable facet of real love."
Words to live by.
Also bear in the words Gandalf stated about Bilbo's mercy, "true courage is about not knowing when to take a life, but when to spare one." Belle chose to save a life rather than charge in and kill. That is her strength to be a hero. She states that she dreamed of being a hero and I think this was her own personal standard, to save as many lives as she could, good or ill. It is for this same reason she defeated the yaoguai the way she did and part of what drives her to help Rumple in his own redemption journey.
Also, if there are any fics out there of Grumpy and Belle being platonic life partners, I will also be happy. Mulan and Belle works out so well especially if they're similar to their Disney versions because Mulan was quite book smart in that version. Badass Bookworm BFFs...brain just broke in happiness.
I am not the least bit guilty about doing so but I have gotten M hooked on MLP. I'm rather proud of myself actually, though there are some who would probably not see it that way. While I fell into MLP the way I fell into every other fandom (in other words, it bled into my usual watering holes), I was curious to see how someone who wasn't heavily into fandoms would fall into it. So I innocently played MLP on YouTube when my netbook was hooked up to his big flatscreen TV when he was making breakfast one morning. He watched it.
Mind you, I did kind of set him up for it. Somewhere I had read that the appeal of MLP was similar to that of Dexter's Laboratory and Powerpuff Girls, both of which (the former especially) M had liked. This is from the guy who wanted to grow up to be a mad scientist. The fact that he got promoted from oil rig mechanic to R & D coordinator sent him into joygasms. Seriously, my boyfriend floated for the first week in euphoria.
M hasn't watched all of the first two seasons. The first episode he watched was in season three before the winter break, which he did laugh over, so clearly he enjoyed it. After that, I gave him what I considered a primer: the first two episodes of all three seasons and the last two episodes of season two. Then things got weird. We started discussing MLP during pillow talk. Now to be fair, it's not the geekiest thing we've ever discussed while snuggling for bed but it was one of those moments where I had to stop and blink at the prospect that we were doing so. I did not expect to like MLP to the point I'd convert someone else to it. Really I didn't. M knows he's a geek so he figured this would have been a hit or miss anyway.
Last year I was a very bad reader. I made it only to my hopeful 50 but not a book more. While I was under a lot of stress, I begin to wonder if I've become too picky of a reader. Once upon a time, the genres that I read, urban fantasy, fractured fairy tales and steampunk were rarities. Now I really have to slog it to find something to read and even then it's a bit disheartening to find works not my own enjoyment. I don't count textbooks because those are required reads rather than ones of my own volition.
I know that I could count fanfics but to me the title says Book Keeping, thus actual book, though fanfiction quality has drastically changed since I first started. Reviews definitely lie about a good story. If you're writing a quality shipping fic, you're good as gold. If you're not writing a shipping fic or one of a very unpopular or unknown ship...reviews are not in your favour. We might not have a Library of Babel and it's good thing to, given how much sniffing is needed to find what you're looking for.
( The list for 2012Collapse ) This year's reading list has gotten off to a good start so far with four books and a short story. I know short story might seem like a cop-out but really I've searched for enough short stories that I wanted to read; twelve of them could make up a book if I don't read the whole anthology they were written in, which does happen. It happened with the anthology that particular short story was in because the rest of the stories didn't interest me.
Don't worry this post has nothing to do with 50 shades of gray or any other colour. I've done my quota of geeky posts for the month so moving onto something more personal. I will get to my Con report but until the sun comes out for a visit, I won't be able to take proper picture of my costume and what I'm doing to rework it for better next year. My sporadic updates on LJ coincide with when I'm almost done or between paper journals, which is why I'll be updating quite a bit for the next week before starting a new paper journal.
This winter I resolved to reduce my amount of make-up and clothes in any of my homes. While I might not have anything comparable to say a beauty or fashion blogger, I have enough to last me for the next decade or so. Moving between two homes most of the year while reviving an older home has made me more selective of the items I keep or how much I have of it. I am going to sound like a regular glossy when I say that I have far too many clothes, shoes, accessories and make-up. How that house got there is partly my fault. Mother and I never threw stuff out. Gran never threw stuff out. When my other gran lived there, we never threw her stuff out either. I think before Dad died, he was the only one with the common sense to throw stuff out. Mother lives for sales and since she's been a housewife from the time that I was born, well her retirement plans was exactly that. Gran reined her in a bit but me, I just let her go at it.
This did not do the house any favours because I am not the most decisive if you throw items in front of me and ask me to choose on preference. When I buy clothes, I spend at least a couple weeks researching the damn thing first. I look on blogs, reviews, the company that made it, the materials (for washing purposes. I don't want to spend money on something that's difficult to wash. I don't mind hand-washing but it has to be able to stand water without falling to bits); I try items multiple times, making sure it fits properly and flatters my features, that I can still move in it without being hobbled, etc.
For most of my winter holiday, I've been either emptying out clothes into toss, take or storage piles, and with make-up, I try to reach for items I already have or had problems using before. It's amazing what a good brush could do! Then again, my techniques have gotten better than what they were about five or six years ago when I first got into make-up. The amount of empty bottles and jars I've been getting is very motivating, especially the space I have after (wow, space. New concept).
Clothes in the toss pile either go to donation (women's charities and shelters) or to consignment stores (vintage and designers). The take pile is for clothes I know need replacing in my current closet. Storage goes into four ways: clothes for work (I get a bit of leeway right now at work because I'm a student but I will need a more polished wardrobe when I graduate), clothes for replacement (similar to the take pile but is projected for after I graduate since most of my stuff might not make it out of St. John's), clothes in the possibility I have kids (coworkers and kids programming at the library told me why you need a set of mum clothes) and rough clothes because before I started this venture, I only had one set of rough work clothes.
I remember years ago in reading up about geishas that compared to their senior sisters, maikos wore brighter and bolder kimonos while geishas would settle for more sombre ones as they progressed in age. I remember why anyone would want to give up bright stuff and settle for taupes, browns and work neutrals. In my editing, that's exactly what I picked, classics for layering to keep most of the time, even for my personal non-work non-kids choices. Sometime within the last couple years I made the transition to more modest and classic clothing and neutral make-up. I still have a couple bold statement pieces but they're ones that stand on their own due to one unique factor or another like material, shape or colour. Wow, I feel old.
I'm alone here, a wonderful reprieve from the winter holiday rush, when the oddest thought bit me. Fandom has taught me quite a bit. While I am superstitious, I am terrible at religion. I make it a policy trying not to piss off someone who could smite me with a thought but I'm also terrible at being thankful. I'm selfish. I'm working through it.
With religion obviously more at the back of my mind, what has been a driving force for the better part of 14 years has been fandom in general. It's occurred to me that fandom has taught me patience. It has taught me tolerance. It has taught me acceptance and understanding. Once upon a time, someone not worshipping the same OTP as me was evil; now it's a difference of opinion, I can see the attraction even if it's not for me. DBZ was a major contender in this. I cannot remember the middle step between that and A:TLA but I think those years in-between were my wandering days. Now in YJ, I can't say I outright hate any couple though it doesn't hurt most of them are official couples. My first unofficial one was Zutara. Wow that was weird to be on the other side of the fence with a popular yet non-canon ship.
Fandom taught me to grow a tougher hide and an open mind. Not everyone would like what I have to offer but to one or two, it might mean something more. I'm still getting over the shock that someone read and liked Sky Folktale. It's what motivated me to concentrate on it again with a fresh pair of eyes. I'm not the best writer but compared to stuff I wrote when I was 12, what I've put to words is far better now than before. I learnt the benefits of editing through experience not through countless teachers who tried and tried to get that through my thick skull. I've developed an appreciation for fics that are not shipping ones. It's hard to find many fics that don't have shipping but I find I like ones that have shipping on the side rather than as the main focus.
Above all, fandom has introduced me to different people; some are trolls. Some are friends. Many have interesting, obscure knowledge that you never know will be useful. Tumblr is their Batmobile these days.
If anything else, fandom is the one thing I will never forget.
Except these will never come to light. While I'm happy to giggle about ideas for the Sherlock fandom, I lack a cleverness in writing that I feel won't do the show justice. When I feel I can, then maybe one of these will stop being a little obscure notebook and out in the open. Never go to TV Tropes. It has a horrible tendencies to give you dangerous things called ideas...or even worse, inspiration.
From the Wild Mass Guessing pages, comes the idea of a very long epic fic that I will never write but if I did, I wouldn't be surprised. I want to write it like a hidden season with "theimprobableone" as Arsène Lupin. His creator, Maurice Leblanc, wrote an OC into the Sherlock canon without actually stating outright that Lupin was going against Sherlock Holmes, copyright laws and all that. Basically French fanfiction, just like Lancelot du Lac in King Arthur. I also want to write this same fic with the Jekyll universe, also by Steven Moffat. It doesn't help that Moffat has speculated what Jekyll and Sherlock meeting would be like.
Then there's the idea of who exactly the Holmes brothers' Mummy was. "Mummy" is M from James Bond.
To quote from the WMG page:
She didn't mean to be emotionally distant, but you try running a bloody country and keeping multiple 007s in check. And this explains how Mycroft got into the government, with good old fashioned nepotism. And yes, I know that the James Bond films exist in the Sherlock universe, but think about it: what better way to make people dismiss the truth than to make it into a movie? Better yet, MI 6 gets a cut of the profits, so the films help to bankroll national security.
Given all that, plenty to work with but I have no motive for what all these characters would be doing. By the looks of it, I will probably have until 2014 to figure out what to write as season three filming has been pushed back again. We know Sherlock obviously lived for a season three and of all the fan theories, I found the reason why I love the internet. Again from the Sherlock WMG page:
How Sherlock appeared to have no pulse
I don’t know how Sherlock managed to jump without seriously hurting himself (other than just letting his body go limp before it hit the ground would have lessened the impact damage). However, it’s a relatively simple magic trick to make to seem like you have no pulse. All you have to do is put something small e.g. ball under your armpit and press down hard on it. This slows the flow of blood in your arm. If you press hard enough someone taking your pulse, in that wrist on that arm, won’t be able to find it.
Sherlock was playing with a bouncy ball in an earlier scene in the lab...
Holy Shit. *Mind is blown*
Yes, the internet is the closest we'll ever have to a Library of Babel. You can find almost anything and everything if you're persistent and have an inkling of where to look.